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Posted by adam.dada on March 20th, 2006
Shut up, gentlemen.
Seriously.
One of the biggest secrets I’ve learned in my life — and that has been one of my biggest reasons for success in real life — is to just shut up. I’m not good at it. I’m a windbag online, and I can tend to be a windbag in real life too. Yet this is one of those reminders your brain has to tell your body in each and every relationship you build — busy, family, friends and women.
We hear it all the time — women want us to listen to them. We actually believe it to, and many times we want to do what we’re supposed to. Yet the myth of the man listening comes out of a need that most women tend to have — and a want that men have. The words I use are key here though — women have a need, and in men it is a want. We want to be heard.
When a woman talks and asks questions, I have found the best way to respond in the converstion — vague and quick. Don’t get into long discussions about yourself, don’t brag, don’t carry on or change subjects. Give the thinnest response you can, and then listen. Listening is not about remembering or recollecting or understanding, it is strictly about receiving. Eye contact helps, a nod or a smile or a frown does too. Beyond that, you’re in the clear. You can stop listening when she is ready to.
Most of my friends who fight with their wives miss this major secret — in fact ALL of my fights with my lady seem to be quickly resolved because I realized that I was doing all the talking, and I never let her get her thoughts out of her skull. It is when I keep my mouth shut but give her time that her desire for me goes up — way up. Wen a man talks, women get turned off. We generally lie, we brag, we stretch the truth, or we talk about things that don’t interest women (cars, sports, politics, money, whatever). Women have an emotional cue to getting their stories out — and by accepting these stories and thoughts, we relieve a huge amount of pressure and stress in the female.
If you’re in a foul relationship, try turning around the situation by reducing your words. If she asks you how your day was, the right response is “No different than usual, how was yours?” Answer every prompt from her with a question for her — and let her go to town with the answers.
This is another key element in learning about all relationships — which I will get into deeper once I have gotten past all of the secrets I’ve learned of the opposite sex.
Discuss this article here.
May 23rd, 2006 at 11:37 am
[...] The article that B.P. read on how to talk to women is titled The Woman’s Secret #1 – talking. In that article, I recommend that guys in the dating stage work as hard as possible to let the woman do the talking. For most gals, it seems almost a requirement that they do the talking and guys do the listening. In my experience, the more you shut up, the happier the woman is as long as you’re listening. If you’re not a good listener, at least give the appearance that you’re listening. One of my favorite things to do when a woman is talking about a non-serious issue is to stare at the bridge of her nose and then think of things I would be thinking about if I wasn’t engaged in the conversation. Most people will think this is callous and completely ignorant of the woman’s needs, but over time I’ve realized that many women have the need to gab — some of them don’t even listen to us one bit when we do the talking. [...]
May 24th, 2006 at 9:32 am
[...] I’ve covered one of my secrets to dealing with a woman you’re dating — the cliche of “communications is key.” In the initial few months of a relationship, it is the lack of communications that is key to developing your relationship and setting up a brighter future. Most women love to gab, even those who refuse to admit it. Men love to brag, and bragging is one of the quickest ways to turn off a women. That is why I recommend against doing any sort of talking other than turning their questions into reasons for them to talk more. [...]
May 30th, 2006 at 12:18 pm
[...] Things to watch for: Signs that tell you to get lost or run May 30th, 2006 Filed under Things to watch for If there is anything that frustrates me about women more than any single thing, it is their lack of communicating things that are important to men. The last few articles were about talking and general communications that men should do in the dating phase of a relationship. This article is about actions and words a woman might take that are sure signs for the man to run in the other direction. [...]
July 24th, 2006 at 12:23 pm
[...] So what do you say to a woman that you like? As I’ve said before, the less you say the better you’re off. Instead of offering answers before a question has been asked, wait for her to ask a question. When the woman you are dating asks you if you think she’s beautiful, don’t make an obvious answer. Something vague and enticing is the best plan — “I’m with you, aren’t I?” sounds like a jerky thing to say, but it gets those gears of hers turning. I always preferred answering with a smile and a wink — the lack of verbal response really made them crazy (in a good way). [...]
September 24th, 2007 at 3:06 pm
I’m a chick, and I agree with this completely. I know my husband isn’t always thrilled to hear me ramble on about whatever miscellaneous crap that’s going through my head, but he knows well enough that it makes me feel better to get it all out. I know he’s probably not retaining most of the information, and is probably thinking about something else, but he is polite enough to just shut up and let me get it out of my system. Once I do, I’m in a better mood, which is good for both of us. If I need to rant, however, I keep it short, and save the serious bitching for my girlfriends.
December 23rd, 2007 at 10:26 am
Hi! I am a woman and I completely agree with what I have read in this post. Very well explained. KUDOS! You got it right. I have to site present situations that turned my interest off with 3 different men, with at least one catching up so beautifully by just his pleasant act to SHUT UP and LISTEN. I admire him for that right now. I thought that it is wise of him to change his style with me or for any other woman in that matter. This particular guy learned that art in more than a year’s time though. Needless to say, it gave him an edge.Let me call him GUY 1 (who now has become special). Guy 2 was an ex of 13 years. One of the things I am so upset about him is his need to talk so lengthily more than a woman does. Of course, too much silence is pathetically boring as well but learning the art of timing on listening and being aware on when to grab the chance to talk is a must. Guys, you still need to be a Casablanca, I tell you. Politeness is still part of good manners and learning to listen is an art teh same wya with speech. BEsides, “ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS”. Personally, a guy who knows how to deliver results rather than compete with his woman with the gab marathon is someone to be proud of. Guy 3 is a recent acquaintance, admirable in his impeccable taste of the good life, mentally stimulating but can be so overpowering. ANd guess what? Overpowering in the sense that he is always the CENTER of the universe. He talks mostly about himself. Yes, he listens to most things I say ( which by the way he gets by his direct questions of what he wants talked about himself as well…very noticeable) but he always feels the need to cut me. Another guy ( a special one) is a mystery( and a favorite) until now. And that is because he is like a good clock ticking, more actions than words, very polite and knows how to listen very well. This is a huge turn on. =) However, do not be too mysterious that it creates suspicion already. It will be a very negative factor on you as well. The last guy is your average guy that was tocuhed in the topic too. He is also some sort of this clock ticking, a good one…busy with his work yet sensitive to my needs without being pushed or told. Has got initiative and good social circle. A simple yet happy guy.
He is not that intelligent but I found in him wisdom . That’s partly because of his natural talent to listen and hit with a good joke with the right timing. He is a balanced guy too. The last 2 guys has good humor as well. Guy 1 though has a good humor too.
Anyway, this has been long already but I hope I shared some important things as well.
Overall, a good guy is one who knows what he wants, not actually intelligent (but well, mentally stimulating guys are also a turn o – and guys need not worry because even women who like mentally stimulating guys won’t grill you with the current news and events..oh even if we do and you stilld ont; knwo how to SHUT UP and LISTEN , your mental prowess is nothing . It is true that we are more after what you do and how you are as human beings..not as men alone
), well grounded, honest and balanced. By the way, don’t forget some manners too.