Before I understood the realities of women, I had not understood the true meaning of success. I don’t think meeting the right woman or knowing how to meet women is really a gauge of success, but it wasn’t until I changed my understanding that I also found clarity in what I needed to do to succeed in business and in other relationships (friends, family, etc).

Until about a decade ago, I had been a great example of the chicken-Man: meek, shy, intimidated, and confused. I had accepted the socially acceptable line about what women wanted and how a man is supposed to offer it, and my success in the world of dating was not just sub-par but almost non-existant. I was starting to grow in success in my business life, but looking back, I really wasn’t doing all that well.

The average geek hears the same stories today that I heard then, primarily from women:

1. “I just want to be friends”
2. “Why can’t my boyfriend be more like you?”
3. “You’ll get a great girl some day!”

Ouch. I had wondered what class all the ladies in my life took to learn these same 3 cliches. Even worse, I honestly believed them.

It wasn’t until I met the man that changed my mind about women; this guy had no idea he had secret knowledge, it was just part of who he was. He was a born Hawk. I was incredibly jealous, but being around a Hawk gave me the biggest insight into the average woman that also brought me success in every other relationship from that point on: other people lie in order to not hurt your feelings. Women especially so.

If you’ve heard any of these cliche excuses, you’re trapped in the myth of the woman’s desires. I’ve discovered over the years that the myth encompasses the following lies:

1. Women want you to take care of them.
a. Financially
b. Emotionally
c. Selflessly
2. Women want you to be honest with them about your feelings.
3. Women want you to be a gentleman.
4. Women want you to ignore your manly behaviors.
5. Women want you to be emotional in your actions.

Yes, friends, these are all lies, all myths. Hollywood doesn’t do a good job teaching us the truth, in fact most love dramas focus around a guy who does all of these things (and is incredibly attractive on top of it). When the average guy tries to fulfill what he thinks a woman wants, he gets shot down: over and over.

It still amazes me today that understanding the average woman’s true desires led me to this portal of success, as I call it. It took figuring out the women in my life to lead me to understand the men in my life. Not just women I wanted to date, but every woman: mother, sister, teacher, boss, clerk and female pals. I had realized that the goal of many men was to earn enough or become famous enough to be able to give women the 5 items I listed above. Yet now I realize that nearly everyone else is wrong — the majority of guys (even successful ones) are chicken-Men, and they don’t realize it.

My friend who was a born Hawk was definitely not a Vulture, yet he was successful with women and with work. He was definitely not the brightest person I knew, in fact he was closer to being a mental idiot than anything else. He thought of himself first and then relationships second (including me and everyone in his life). At first I was very frustrated because I didn’t understand why he didn’t give in and put me ahead of himself once in a while. And in the end, his successes in most of his relationships led back to that attitude — not being a jerk, but being open about taking care of his own needs first and foremost and letting the other person in the relationship take care of their needs. Just like the purchase of an item gives both parties a profit of some kind, relationships seem to work in the same fashion. If stores gave away their merchandise, the store would collapse — this is absolutely true of the successful Man as well.

So how does the chicken-Man change? What is the secret behind the Woman, and how does he change from believing the myths to understanding the realities? I believe you have to take the 5 myths above and turn them upside down.

1. Women want a man who can take care of himself.
2. Women want a man who is stable emotionally.
3. Women want to be treated as an equal.
4. Women want a man to be a man.
5. Women want you to be strong in your actions.

It sounds counterintuitive — we don’t want to believe it.

Breaking it down into illustrations:

1. If a man openly buys women presents, takes care of every dinner and doesn’t let her touch her purse once, she knows that he’s not secure in himself. The Hawk doesn’t buy a woman a meal for months into the relationship, he takes care of his own part of the bill and doesn’t even offer to cover hers. This isn’t even an option. The woman is intrigued by the man’s lack of desire to take care of her financially, unlike every other guy in her life.

2. If a man talks about his feelings and shows he can be sad, happy, angry and loving, the women sees him as weak. A man has always been the protector — holding back emotions and only letting a little bit show on rare occasions. The mystery of what a man is thinking is a very big turn-on for the woman.

3. The man who acts like a gentleman (opening doors, holding a woman’s arm, putting on her jacket, etc) usually does so out of desperation. A man who takes care of himself and lets the woman take care of herself confuses the woman — she wonders why he doesn’t act the way the average chicken-Man acts.

4. A man has certain behaviors that he thinks he needs to hide: looking at another pretty woman, going out with the guys, telling jokes, being a guy. The stable woman knows this, and the ability for a man to act like a man in front of her, instead of acting like a sissy, can be one of the biggest attractions a man can offer.

5. A man who is weak in his actions is a baby — a man doesn’t cry, he doesn’t blow his top at others, and he doesn’t act like a teddy bear. The man who is able to control his emotions is also the man who is confident in his actions. Showing emotions doesn’t make you attractive, but it does make you seem like you chose the wrong path in a decision making process — which is why we get emotional in the first place.

These 5 ideas turn the average relationship with a woman upside-down, but there is a lot more to close the door on when it comes to what we think of as “common sense” and the woman. I’ll get into these items, as well as how this all integrates into business and other relationships, as the week progresses.

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A Man can only become a determined man once they realize that almost all normal human interaction occurs based on some basic rules of human action:

1. People tend to perform actions purposefully.
2. People tend to want more of something rather than less.
3. People tend to want something sooner rather than later.

This is true for everyone, even when we do seemingly altruistic things such as charity work or offering a donation. It even possesses us often when we’re doing work in our faith. When a Man realizes that we all work based on these rules, he is able to give himself an advantage in being able to make sure every interaction he is involved in gives him some benefit.

The determined Man desires to reverse these rules for himself, or at least mask them from the perspective of the other person:

1. The determined Man will not offer or reveal the purpose of his action.
2. The determined Man will not be in a rush to get something.
3. The determined Man will not be looking to take more than he needs or wants.

Accepting these changes in my life was very difficult, especially since I was trying to change myself across the board: in love, in business and in casual relationships with others (friends and family). I failed often, not realizing that I needed to focus myself in the areas that I had the most problems in. At the time that I came up with these realizations, I was doing ok in business, I didn’t have much trouble with friends and family, but I was severely lacking in the love department. Looking back over the years, though, I can see now that I was lacking in the other areas, I just hadn’t realized it.

Many of my readers of this site have come here because of the need for dating advice — and I do believe that is one of the weakest areas for most men. Yet it is important to realize that the problems you might have in dating are bringing down your life in almost every other area. Instead of being the determined Man, the hawk, you’re likely closer to the insecure Man, the chicken.

When it comes to women, especially in the dating phase, it amazes me how often I see guys repeatedly making the same mistakes. The laws of human action above don’t directly dictate how we should act when it comes to women, but they all fall into place once we realize what the woman’s intentions really are. They’re not what you see in Hollywood or on TV, they’re not what you read about on the cover of a woman’s magazine at a grocery store. In fact, they’re the complete opposite of what most women seem to think their intentions are. Women are designed differently than men, and it is important to reprogram your beliefs so that you understand them. Not only will it help your love life, but it will set up the rest of your relationships to offer better successes for you, with less stress and much less work.

Starting later today (Friday) and continuing next week, I’ll start offering real advice to help mold the insecure Man into the determined Man, starting with the perspective of how to handle the elusive and confusing woman. After a few articles, you’ll likely have a new perspective on past failures, current problems, and the future. Once you tackle this seemingly impossible target (the woman), you’ll find yourself changing your life in every other relationship as well.

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