If there is anything that frustrates me about women more than any single thing, it is their lack of communicating things that are important to men. The last few articles were about talking and general communications that men should do in the dating phase of a relationship. This article is about actions and words a woman might take that are sure signs for the man to run in the other direction.

My favorite is the friends comment. It usually takes a few different angles, such as “I want to be friends first” or when she asks for patience so she can figure out where she is before she gets in a relationship. You’re looking for a girlfriend, not a girl friend. Friends don’t become wives; guys who tell you they were friends first don’t realize that the woman knew they were more than that, the guy was just not assertive enough to categorize the relationship that way. No woman who wants to just be your friend will ever be anything more than that. Don’t spin your wheels, take off. Leave the friendship behind you as well, especially if you had any hopes of being more than friends.

I’ve come across friends of mine who were starting to date really amazing women — successful in education, business and beautiful to boot. When I asked if they saw a bright future, my friends told me that the woman was asking for patience while she sorted out some drama in her life. Usually it had to do with a previous boyfriend or a problem at work, but my advice was always to tell them to tear up her phone number, delete her e-mail address and move on. She won’t be calling you, and she gave you a very unclear reason for needing time: she needs time to come up with more excuses why she’s not ready now and will never be ready, ever. Men who mystify women and drive their curiosity are men who have no problem getting a date with a woman they like — they also know how to read the signs of disinterest. If a woman wants to be with you, she’ll go out of her way to do it. You know you’re succeeding in a dating relationship when she doesn’t say no to any activity you propose. If she needs time, give her all the time in the world by walking away. There is no need for a break up talk by you, either, she already made the choice with her excuses.

Another favorite of mine that women love to spin is that they’re too busy to see you. They don’t actually ask you to stick around, they just have so much on their plate “right now” and “this is the busy time of the year for me.” I’ve heard it all — she’s working too much, her mother is sick, her dog needs extra training classes, her best friend from college is in town, just to name a few. They’re also in line with the previous “I need time” excuse. In my experience, women who want to know more about you will not miss one chance to do so — if you’re willing to spend some of YOUR busy schedule with them, an intrigued woman won’t pass it up. Even if her mother is sick or her dog won’t stop biting the mailman, she’ll blow them both off for a guy that she wants. There’s no reason to accept an excuse, let alone two or three.

It all builds up to meeting a woman’s needs — in the beginning, she’ll be testing your ability to be controlled. Most guys fail immediately. They go out with the girl at the last minute (usually a second or third date) when she calls, they’ll call her 5 times a week, they’ll blow off their friends, family and business to make room for the woman. Once you perform these acts, you’re no different than any other guy she dated — desperate and with too much time on your hands. The mystery is gone, in her mind, and she knows you’re controllable. That’s the path to relationship destruction as well as your self-esteem hitting the toilet.

If you’re the kind of guy she can’t pin down and she can’t control at her whim, your mystique builds up. She wants to know why you’re different than every other guy that showed interest in her. She starts thinking crazy thoughts that work in the favor of the man: “Am I fat? Am I ugly? Does he have other girlfriends? Is he gay? Who does he think he is?” In the end of all these thoughts is the most silent thought she won’t admit even to her best girl friends: “I want to know who he is.”

So why cater to her excuses? Once the excuses start, they won’t stop. Once you let her pass because of one excuse, she’ll just lose that desire and drive to know more about you. You lost the game by showing your cards and by letting her re-throw the dice for a better move. In Monopoly terms, you traded her a “Go directly to Go” card for her “Go directly to Jail” card. Not the right way to set up the early weeks or months in any relationship.

Remember, women want mystery, and they want to dig into your persona. The less you give in to her vocal and subliminal tests, the better you look in her eyes. You could be fat, bald, unemployed and living in your parents’ basement at 35 and answering her test questions by leaving her more questions to ask only builds up her desire to spend more time with you. The power of the man is that we can play it off as just being a dumb guy who doesn’t see the signs. Most men play the game by seeing signs where there are none, or taking signs to get lost as signs to push harder. Don’t push, don’t pull, entice.

Discuss this article at the Be a Man forum.

In the Be A Man discussion forum, a comment was made in reference to yesterday’s article:

Are you saying that a woman who is closed off because of abuse is not worth dating?

This brings up an important question that I believe needed to be answered right away, because it is a question that many men should be ready to notice problems early on in dating that can affect their lives for a long time to come. Because the early stage of dating can be so hormonally charged for us guys (and the women don’t make it any better with the way they tend to dress and make themselves up early on), we have to make sure we’re looking at them from a logical point of view.

The first thing to realize is that no one is perfect! Nitpicking too hard will leave you single for a long time to come, and it might be a sign of your own insecurities. Yet I do think that the first few months of dating can lead you to make a decision to cut the relationship before you get too invested. If you’re just casually dating, who cares? If you’re looking for someone to get close to, it is very important that you gauge her actions and words initially to see if you can find any problems that might not be addressable. I have seen many friends go through failed marriages because of huge insecurities of the past (either partner) that just couldn’t be worked out. Had they taken my advice early one (or the advice of their friends and family who saw problems initially), they’d not be in the financial, emotional and spiritual hell they went through.

The traits I’ve found in insecure women are as follows:
1. Demanding / Self-centered / Inconsiderate
2. Perfectionist
3. Mood swings / Clingy / Moves too fast
4. Won’t cater to disagreeing
5. Uses crying as an unobvious tool
6. Can’t keep friends for a long period of time
7. Considers herself a “guy” girl — hates women
8. Tends to act like a child — rash decisions, flighty changes of opinion
9. Demands to be respected/admired/approved of
10. Biggest emotional response is jealousy instead of empathy — hatred instead of love

Wow, that’s a long list! When we date a new woman, we’ll see none of these (usually we’ll either see the area between her chin and her beltline or we’ll see the next 1/4 area down). It’s a problem, too, because she’ll also try to be on her best behavior — some neurotics can control themselves very well. Over time, though, these are the signs that we have to pay attention to. Any one or few of these signs doesn’t mean that they’re crazy, but this is why I demand 9+ months before making any long term commitments. If you’re seeing many of these signs over any period of time, there’s nothing you can do. Leave before you’re left, with half your life taken.

Each of these 10 items is a great gateway into some actions, secrets and rules that I’ve already written and will focus on in upcoming articles. They’re all the “bad” result of not following the basic rules, or at least not considering them.

From the original question asked on the discussion forum, we get a few more: why is it unwise to try to deal with or help a woman who has a lot of insecurities? Isn’t it possible that she’s just waiting for the right guy? What do I do if I am with such a woman already? Can women change?

In the early dating stages, it is very important to watch for these issues. Recall that I believe that women love to talk and you should let them do the talking. This doesn’t mean that she is self-centered, though, as women are better talkers than men, and it is one of their greatest needs. Most women love to gab, so we have to put that under their “need” column. On the other hand, the talking-need is in regards to one-on-one talking with their man (or their girlfriends). If you’re in public and she embarrasses you by cutting you off, putting you down or not letting you talk in the first place, she’s got major control issues that over time will become worse and worse. Once a woman gets control of her man, the fall comes quickly and he becomes a chicken-Man. We’re supposed to be in control of our actions and be able to be convincing, headstrong and aware of our needs. When she controls you, none of these can be true. The chicken-Man is the un-Man, and you don’t need a woman to put you there since most of us guys start there for the first stage of our life.

In the latter dating stages, it is also wise to keep a watch for changes that occur. Because I promote the 9-month rule, different seasons and different times of the year can bring out different attitudes from the woman. Watch closely, and if you see changes, there are ways you can stop them from re-occurring (or make the decision that she won’t accept her place in the relationship because she wants to occupy both places).

In the next few days I’ll cover all 10 signs of possible insecurities, how to deal with them individually, and at what point you have to walk away no matter how good looking she is and how jealous your friends might be of her. Later I’ll also cover what to do if you realize that your wife or fiance is the worst type of woman — the woman who thinks she’s a man.

Discuss this article at the Be A Man forum.