Be A Man

In the Be A Man discussion forum, a comment was made in reference to yesterday’s article:

Are you saying that a woman who is closed off because of abuse is not worth dating?

This brings up an important question that I believe needed to be answered right away, because it is a question that many men should be ready to notice problems early on in dating that can affect their lives for a long time to come. Because the early stage of dating can be so hormonally charged for us guys (and the women don’t make it any better with the way they tend to dress and make themselves up early on), we have to make sure we’re looking at them from a logical point of view.

The first thing to realize is that no one is perfect! Nitpicking too hard will leave you single for a long time to come, and it might be a sign of your own insecurities. Yet I do think that the first few months of dating can lead you to make a decision to cut the relationship before you get too invested. If you’re just casually dating, who cares? If you’re looking for someone to get close to, it is very important that you gauge her actions and words initially to see if you can find any problems that might not be addressable. I have seen many friends go through failed marriages because of huge insecurities of the past (either partner) that just couldn’t be worked out. Had they taken my advice early one (or the advice of their friends and family who saw problems initially), they’d not be in the financial, emotional and spiritual hell they went through.

The traits I’ve found in insecure women are as follows:
1. Demanding / Self-centered / Inconsiderate
2. Perfectionist
3. Mood swings / Clingy / Moves too fast
4. Won’t cater to disagreeing
5. Uses crying as an unobvious tool
6. Can’t keep friends for a long period of time
7. Considers herself a “guy” girl — hates women
8. Tends to act like a child — rash decisions, flighty changes of opinion
9. Demands to be respected/admired/approved of
10. Biggest emotional response is jealousy instead of empathy — hatred instead of love

Wow, that’s a long list! When we date a new woman, we’ll see none of these (usually we’ll either see the area between her chin and her beltline or we’ll see the next 1/4 area down). It’s a problem, too, because she’ll also try to be on her best behavior — some neurotics can control themselves very well. Over time, though, these are the signs that we have to pay attention to. Any one or few of these signs doesn’t mean that they’re crazy, but this is why I demand 9+ months before making any long term commitments. If you’re seeing many of these signs over any period of time, there’s nothing you can do. Leave before you’re left, with half your life taken.

Each of these 10 items is a great gateway into some actions, secrets and rules that I’ve already written and will focus on in upcoming articles. They’re all the “bad” result of not following the basic rules, or at least not considering them.

From the original question asked on the discussion forum, we get a few more: why is it unwise to try to deal with or help a woman who has a lot of insecurities? Isn’t it possible that she’s just waiting for the right guy? What do I do if I am with such a woman already? Can women change?

In the early dating stages, it is very important to watch for these issues. Recall that I believe that women love to talk and you should let them do the talking. This doesn’t mean that she is self-centered, though, as women are better talkers than men, and it is one of their greatest needs. Most women love to gab, so we have to put that under their “need” column. On the other hand, the talking-need is in regards to one-on-one talking with their man (or their girlfriends). If you’re in public and she embarrasses you by cutting you off, putting you down or not letting you talk in the first place, she’s got major control issues that over time will become worse and worse. Once a woman gets control of her man, the fall comes quickly and he becomes a chicken-Man. We’re supposed to be in control of our actions and be able to be convincing, headstrong and aware of our needs. When she controls you, none of these can be true. The chicken-Man is the un-Man, and you don’t need a woman to put you there since most of us guys start there for the first stage of our life.

In the latter dating stages, it is also wise to keep a watch for changes that occur. Because I promote the 9-month rule, different seasons and different times of the year can bring out different attitudes from the woman. Watch closely, and if you see changes, there are ways you can stop them from re-occurring (or make the decision that she won’t accept her place in the relationship because she wants to occupy both places).

In the next few days I’ll cover all 10 signs of possible insecurities, how to deal with them individually, and at what point you have to walk away no matter how good looking she is and how jealous your friends might be of her. Later I’ll also cover what to do if you realize that your wife or fiance is the worst type of woman — the woman who thinks she’s a man.

Discuss this article at the Be A Man forum.