I’ve said it twice now — talking is one area where the woman is best left to lead and the man to promote. If we think of a man and a woman in their early dating relationship as a grill, the woman is doing the cooking and the man just makes sure the coals stay hot. We don’t do the cooking when it comes to building the permanent bonds in a relationship — she does. Thankfully, this is how it should be as most of us guys would be lost if it wasn’t for the female intuition, but therein lies the problem: when a man thinks he can convince the woman through his own means, he’ll fail. Let her convince herself.

Communications are so important in a relationship, in fact they are almost always the primary reason why a dating couple breaks up or a marriage fails. Not communicating about needs, not communicating about finances and not communicating about direction all can create silent rifts that turn into full blown war. But communication is not just through spoken words, and one area that I label communication is of utmost importance in the early stages of dating: touch. This area of communication is so important that a single innocent mistake can ruin the relationship’s future without any resolution.

The touch for the man and the woman is completely different in subconscious meaning, and it is one area that I see men fail at time and time again. I even see many women failing at making a conscious realization of how the touch differs between the two sexes. While touching can be both an erotic expression as well as a symbol of love, in the dating period touch is the absolute death in a relationship when a man does it, and it is the absolute life in a relationship when a woman does it. It sounds confusing, but this subconscious little secret is probably one of the most powerful non-actions a man has in his arsenal.

When a man touches a woman during the dating period, the touch can signify subconsciously only two things in the woman’s mind: control or desperation. Most women don’t even know they make this connection, but time and again I see it plain as day when I watch couples out in society. Even something as harmless as a man grabbing a woman’s hand when they walk has severe consequences — it drives the mystique out of the situation. Most women who have read my old book have argued about this point, but weeks later I would hear from them again when they realized I was correct. Once you try this yourself, you, too, will discover that this little secret can change your dating life forever.

When a woman is happy, attracted and incredibly mystified by a man, she will always show him very quiet signs of interest. It seems that women can’t control this almost indiscernable outpouring that displays their attraction and desire for the man. Desire does not necessarily mean sexual or physical desire, but one of these quiet signs is very physical: the touch.

When a woman is happy, she might laugh and glance her hand on the man’s elbow or shoulder or the back of his rib area. It might only last a split second. She might touch his knee or his arm. It could last a second, it could stay there. This is such a huge blinking neon sign that says “I really REALLY like you” that it just can’t be ignored. Yet most men can ignore the sign and then squash all that desire and mystique she’s built up by returning the touch. The touch by an intrigued woman has two meanings: she wants to get to know you more, and she wants to test you to see if you bow to her invite.

The two scenarios:

1. She touchs you, even in glance. You touch her back, also in glance. You lose the test. She subconsciously knows how much control she wields over you.

2. She touchs you, even in glance. You ignore the touch, maybe let out a tiny smile. Don’t look at her hand, don’t move away from it, don’t respond to it if it stays there, and don’t return anything. She’s wondering now — “does he like me?” or “am I not attracting him like he is attracting me?”

It sounds crazy, I know. I sounds too mysterious and too easy to be true. It is true, gentlemen, and it is so powerful that you have to use it in measuring up if the girl you are dating is worth your future time.

One other thing a woman’s touch can mean, though, is “I trust you.” This can come from a girl who is your friend or your relative, and you should understand that this touch should not necessarily be considered different in this case. Because you won’t date a friend or a relative (I hope), I’ll address other signs a woman shows in communications that confirms if the touch was out of desire to know more, or just a symbol of trust. In either case, your best bet is to ignore the touch as if it never happened, but make note of it in the back of your mind that she might have turned on a neon sign saying “You’re awesome.”

One thing to note, though, on the issue of the touch: if she doesn’t touch you, she’s turned off the neon sign. In my experience, if you don’t acquire one of these magic ego-boosting glancing touches in the first 2 dates, you’d better start a-packing. I’ve seen (and confirmed) that the women who don’t touch a man have one (or more) of the following issues:

1. She’s closed off — abuse or depression
2. She’s not interested or mystified by you — why bother chasing?
3. She’s uncertain of herself — you don’t want a woman without a little confidence
4. She’s afraid to show emotions — drama ahead, captain!

For me, the touch is the ultimate first sign to continue. If you bought a new car and the engine died on the second drive but started right up, would you trust it to work in the future? A relationship is like this — that casual touch is the equivalent of the engine starting and not stopping. If you sold someone something you owned and they didn’t pay you, would you follow through with the sale? The touch is like a payment for the mystery you’ve sold her up to now. Don’t follow through with this sale if she doesn’t offer that payment — the magical, mystical and relationship creating/killing touch.

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I’ve covered one of my secrets to dealing with a woman you’re dating — the cliche of “communications is key.” In the initial few months of a relationship, it is the lack of communications that is key to developing your relationship and setting up a brighter future. Most women love to gab, even those who refuse to admit it. Men love to brag, and bragging is one of the quickest ways to turn off a women. That is why I recommend against doing any sort of talking other than turning their questions into reasons for them to talk more.

Yet it seems I still get e-mails from people who want to know what good conversation topics are, especially on first dates. I can’t think of anything that you can say that will make you more attractive in the eyes of a gal you like, but I can think of many things that can turn her off quickly.

1. Don’t talk about your job
2. Don’t talk about your ex-girlfriend
3. Don’t talk about your money situation
4. Don’t talk about your car
5. Don’t talk about your family
6. Don’t talk about your home or apartment
7. Don’t talk about your education
8. Don’t talk about your travels
9. Don’t talk about yourself
10. Don’t talk about your achievements
11. Don’t talk about her
12. Don’t talk about sex
13. Don’t talk about your pet peeves

So what do you talk about? As I’ve said before, the best conversation you can have is one that turns the talk back to her.

If she asks you about your job, the best answer is “I work in the ___ field and its pretty satisfying. What has your favorite job been?

If she asks you about your ex-girlfriend, the best answer is “Isn’t it amazing how relationships can change when life changes? Tell me about your best friend.”

If she asks you about your money situation, I recommend saying “I make enough to spend a little, save a little and travel a little. Have you seen any great sales or deals lately?”

If she asks you about your car, reply by saying “I drive a foreign/domestic car/truck. What’s your favorite car?”

If she asks you about your family, reply by saying “I’m glad I can make time to see my mom/dad/brother/grandma, who is your favorite family member that you spend the most time with?”

Get it? Every question should be answered vaguely with a smile, and turn it around on her. Let her gab, let her change topics, let her indulge her own needs. The less you answer about yourself and focus on yourself, the more mystique you build that will make her want to get to know you better. Some topics should be off-limits until you’ve made bigger commitments (do you want to have kids, do you want to live in the city or the burbs, what are your political leanings, etc). Some topics should be off-limits forever (what about your ex-girlfriend, do you have any fetishes, etc).

Conversation on the initial dates is very important — for her. The best thing you can do is smile, listen and turn the questions around. She likely has no real interest in your life (yet), but your lack of sharing every detail will set you apart from the guys she’s dated before. Most men can do nothing but brag about their cars, their clothes, their credit lines, their jobs and their ex-girlfriends. Don’t be like most men — be vague and bring mystique and the desire to know more into her mind. It might take her a dozen dates before she realizes that she really doesn’t know much about you, and that’s when you’ve got her desire for knowing you better at its peak.

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