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Posted by adam.dada on June 1st, 2006
You’re beautiful.
You look great in that dress.
You’re the best.
I love you.
I can’t believe I’m with a woman like you.
No, none of those are the words I’d recommend. They’re the words that get a lot of guys in trouble in the early stages of dating, or before they’re even dating. They’re also the words you’ll hear all the love experts (especially the female ones) tell you to say. And if you ever ask a gal what she thinks of them (early in the relationship), the response is usually the same: ugh!
When I was younger I was the sap who’d say these things, especially to women I just met and was interested in dating. Those relationships always seemed to fall apart, no matter how hard I tried. And that’s the catch: the harder you try, the worse your chances are of moving forward in your relationship with that woman.
Society has changed so much in the past 20 years. In the old days, words like these were very rarely heard from the lips of men — that is why the words had value. Today, it seems that a woman can’t walk down the street without hearing it from some random stranger. The value of complimenting a woman you’ve only recently met is negative: it works against you.
Nowadays it seems that women know what is behind those phrases. Instead of hearing what you’re saying, the modern woman hears something completely different. You tell her she’s beautiful, and the modern woman hears “I want to sleep with you soon.” That’s how it is. The words work against the man.
Sometimes a modern woman will just think you’re a desperate guy, unable to say something interesting. She puts you in the pile of other boring men that she’s dated or who have asked her to dinner. This is a pile you want to avoid.
Offering the “positive” compliments also shows your cards — she knows more about how you feel than you know how she feels for you. I’m a big fan of not showing one’s cards until a commitment of some kind is made. Even then you want to make sure you’re keeping her intrigued on getting to know you even better. Why destroy the mystique by blurting out what you think of her? Isn’t it obvious that you like her just because you asked her out and you make time to see her? Your actions in dating her are the ultimate form of letting her know you like her.
Not saying these common phrases also lets you play the game a bit better than she does. If a man is dating a woman and he’s not complimenting her, her brain will operate in high gear wondering what your opinion of her is. She’ll wonder if you really do like her, and if there is a future. She’ll want to dig deeper into your head to figure you out — escalating that mystique and mystery into the upper atmosphere. If you’re a guy who was teased for years by the modern woman, this is a step you can take to turn the tease around.
So what do you say to a woman that you like? As I’ve said before, the less you say the better you’re off. Instead of offering answers before a question has been asked, wait for her to ask a question. When the woman you are dating asks you if you think she’s beautiful, don’t make an obvious answer. Something vague and enticing is the best plan — “I’m with you, aren’t I?” sounds like a jerky thing to say, but it gets those gears of hers turning. I always preferred answering with a smile and a wink — the lack of verbal response really made them crazy (in a good way).
Eventually it becomes more comfortable in not just blurting out your physical attractions to your girlfriend and to girls you are interested in dating. You’ll slip up initially, but now you’ll be able to notice the change she makes. She might smile and accept the compliment, but the girl you’ve gotten wrapped around your finger changes when she realizes that she doesn’t have to chase you. Once your mystique is gone, her desire can drop quickly. Keep her on her toes in the first few months of dating, and you’ll be much more comfortable in your manhood. Let her walk all over you and you’ll only get what you’ve always gotten — lonely Friday nights.
Discuss this article at the Be A Man discussion forum or e-mail me your questions and comments.