Be A Man

This last week of traveling has put me in various restaurants, hotel bars and social events as it usually does. It is always a great time to watch other men succeeding and failing in their relationships. I see them all — spouses cheating (usually men and women), men on first dates, married couples, and the soon-to-be-married happy-and-harried couples. I see more mistakes made, though, more failures than successes. It always surprises me how many men pay the bill when the relationship is obviously new and the courtship phase is going full strength.

What is it about men who are in new relationships (or trying to get there with a woman) that makes them crank out the credit cards and lay the cash on the table? Are they trying to convince the woman that they’re financially stable? Are they trying to show the woman that cost is no object when it comes to her? Are they hoping that she’ll be impressed by how many gold and platinum cards they have? Think about this some more and you’ll see how wrong it is to offer to pay for a girl you’re only dating. If the money makes a difference in her mind, is this a woman you want to marry?

One of my rules in the courtship phase, or what I call the first 3 seasons, is to pay your own way and let her pay her own way. There is no need to bring more than one credit card, and I’d even recommend leaving the card hidden in your pocket. Keep just enough cash to show yourself a good time, and some wonderful positive results will come to light.

If you don’t bring your credit card, there is no chance of you making a fool out of yourself (drinking too much) or blowing your monthly budget on one date. You’re paying for your dinner and any drinks, and that’s it. If you’re taking in a movie, budget for your ticket and your snacks. Set your limit, and she’ll be more impressed that she’s with a guy who knows how to handle his money. Men with credit cards and wallets full of cash are subconscious signs of them trying to hide something — usually poverty and over-extended debt. Men with a few $20 bills and good sense in what they’re using it with are more attractive to a woman — men who can control their spending usually are better off financially, but the woman knows she’s not able to take advantage of it.

Beyond just preventing yourself from over-imbibing to mental oblivion, you also start setting some standards for the woman. If she can’t afford to go out with you and pay for herself, is this a woman you want to date? Do you want to be with a woman who is a spending-monster and can’t keep $40 in her purse for a date? Do you want a woman who expects you to pay for everything financially? I’ve been there, and it’s ugly. Don’t be that man. When you’re still investigating her as something serious for the future, you want to know what her angles are. Being aware of her financially capabilities isn’t necessarily just so you can take advantage of her, it is so you know if you’re with someone stable, someone who isn’t financially flighty and impulsive. You’ll also know if she is capable of supporting herself. If you do end up in a long term relationship, even marriage, one of the absolutely best stress-relievers is knowing that your wife (and family) can make it if something terrible should happen to you. One of the worst stresses is believing that they’ll be up a creek if you should croak. It sounds crazy, but it’s true — I have numerous friends who are in either boat, and the ones who know their wives or girlfriends can be self-sufficient are the ones who are least stressed about the future.

One more advantage to not spending your hard earned money on someone you barely know (and even 9 months is still “barely”) is that you aren’t put in a position of pressure for her to repay your financial spending with something more…physical. That lifts a burden off the woman, who are often times wondering if the man is paying for dinner just to get her into bed. Setting the financial precedent of being self-sufficient and expecting the same for her really relieves burdens on both sides of the relationship, and can only lead to you finding better women in the future if this one doesn’t work out.

What happens if a woman won’t date you because you only go dutch early on? You win — a problem in the future is cut off before you can get in too deep. Keep your credit cards at home. Lock one in the glove box for emergencies. Don’t bring an ATM card. Get a second wallet for dating (women can see the stretching that happens from having a lot of cash or cards in your usual one). Stick your ID in there, toss a few $20s (based on what you can spend and want to spend) and go out with her. You’ll be extremely happy after the date because you’ll have set her up to wondering how much you like her (most guys would throw their AmEx Black Centurion cards at her whims) and why it is that you don’t show off your braggadoccio like most men she’s dated.

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