Be A Man

Zion, IL
By A.B. Dada
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In the past 4 weeks, I’ve had not one, not two, not even three but four guy friends “challenge” me with trying to find a solution with a common problem they’re all having: how to deal with the insecurities of their girlfriends (not wives, not fiances). Most of the guys have been dating the ladies for 4-6 months, and all of them have the exact same concen: their girlfriend is jealous, fearful, badgering, controlling, and over-inquisitive of what the guys are doing when they aren’t with them.

One friend is self employed, so his schedule is definitely odd at times. Another friend is unemployed, but doesn’t like to be home all the time with his girlfriend (who doesn’t work, and doesn’t have a huge house or kids to take care of). The third friend is a client, and he’s going crazy because his girlfriend was fine during tax season (he’s a CPA, and was overwhelmed) but is now “acting crazy” during his slower season. The last is just a guy I’ve spoken with at a pub from time to time, who came across me by searching Google for “dealing with insecurities.” Amazing that he also knew me in real life. His girlfriend hates that he manages a bar and grill.

I asked all of them the same thing: how much of your past did you share with your new girlfriend? What did you tell them about previous loves, crushes, relationships or friends? All of the guys shared with me the following: they told them too much.

Insecurities in women are tough to deal with — we live in a society that champions the idea of women being equal, but this puts many women at a disadvantage because NO ONE is equal, and it makes women feel like they must live up to this idea of being a strong-willed, independent, self-capable person. When a person is led to believe that they are the weakest of a group, their lives are negatively affected by what I consider a terrible lie. It is no different to me than what many of my friends were led to believe about housing: prices always go up (they don’t). Almost all of my renting friends made the terrible mistake of buying a home when they weren’t capable of handling the cost and maintenance. Again, people were lied to that they were lesser people because they were renting, and now they made bigger mistakes believing that. I see no difference in how society lies to women about telling them they can be equal to all other women, and men. This is a force that causes a great deal of insecurity in many women.

A trigger for a woman’s insecurities can come directly from a man offering her any sort of information about him that might connect him to men who have treated her badly in the past: fathers, brothers, uncles, boyfriends, bosses, whatever. Tell an insecure female you have been in love before, and she might start wondering why you left that previous love, and if you’ll leave her. Tell an insecure female that you had casual sexual relationships before, and she might start wondering if you’re with her for the same reason. Sidenote: Insecurities in men are no different, but that’s not the point of this article.

It has always been my rule and goal to limit what you share with your girlfriend early in a relationship. The less you offer about your past, the more intrigued she will be, increasing her interest in you, and wanting to know more. But there are some things you just can’t share, ever. Many people believe that men are visually stimulated, and women are emotionally stimulated, but this is not a fact by any means. In my experiences, women are the visually stimulated ones (look at the makeup, clothing, and accessories!) and men tend to be more logically-associated. Again, this has been my experience.

I queried my 4 friends about what they may have shared from the past that put their girlfriends on the defense. Here are the questions I asked, in no particular order or to a particular person:

1. Did you ever tell her you were in love with another woman in the past? Some women will ask this question. My answer has always been “I’ve had crushes, and I’ve had what I thought was love, but after digging deeper we mutually realized that things weren’t heading in a direction we both shared.” It’s always the truth, but it doesn’t put pictures in her head. Relationships that end should be always on a mutual understanding of a lack of direction, not a lack of passion, love, friendship or sex.

2. Did you ever tell her you had a relationship with someone at work? That’s a common question. My answer has always been “I’ve gone out with people I’ve worked with, but I was young and didn’t realize how much it affects work. Nothing serious, but definitely a learning lesson just to keep business and pleasure apart.” Again, this shows you are a logical and concerned boyfriend, not someone who was sleeping through the entire Human Resources department.

3. Did you ever tell her you hooked up with someone? I can’t believe guys would answer this question in detail, even if you’re a virgin till marriage, “hooking up” creates some rough mental pictures. Even if you HAVE “hooked up” with someone before, the best answer is “I’m not one to jump into a relationship of any sort without getting to know the person much better.” This isn’t a lie, because if you did hook up, you made that decision based on knowing the person “better” than not at all. If you tend to hook up with people without saying 5 words to them, you probably aren’t ready to be in a long term relationship until you overcome those desires.

4. Did you ever tell you you’ve kissed a friend, and called it a mistake? I’ve fielded this question before (I had a lot of female pals when I was younger), and I am shocked at the amount of guys who admit to this. The moment you cross that line, the woman will never trust casual female acquaintances in your life. My answer has been “I’ve never kissed a friend, but I’ve had past crushes that turned into friendships when it was obvious things weren’t heading in the same direction.” No one kisses “just a friend,” there is almost always some attraction that is more akin to a crush than a friendship. Don’t make a friend into a crush, make a crush into a friend. Cap it off with “Nothing happened after we realized we really didn’t like each other that way.”

Insecurities in women come from a bad past, usually. Old drama turns into modern baggage, and it is hard to deal with once you start stuffing your own history into her baggage. If you’re going to open your mouth too much, think the mental picture through that might come from what you say. Limiting yourself to being logical, instead of visual, can lead you to a healthy relationship that helps the insecure woman grow, rather than stay on the course of distrust and jealousy.

Lastly, if it is obvious that she is too controlling, too jealous, and too insecure, you should realize that those things don’t change. Once her insecurities enter your relationship, they can be a terrible weapon against stability in the long term. I’ve dated some nice and brilliant women in my life, but some of them had insecurities that were impossible to tackle. I don’t have sympathy for the guys that married them, figuring they could change the women, only to make all the mistakes I listed above.