There’s something odd about some unconfident men in the way they act — they’re shy, but when they do speak they’ll blurt out words or jokes or thoughts that really aren’t topical to the discussion, or distract from the relationship between the man and the person he is with. We usually look at these non-sequitirs as geeky actions, but they’re just a surface sign of a lack of confidence.

I’ve been blessed with the ability to process, think and respond very quickly, which is one of the key elements to my successes. This doesn’t mean that I realized I had this ability, and often times the best thing I can do to make myself stronger in any given situation is to just pause. The dramatic pause in a conversation is one great secret of mine to building my own confidence and also making others have more faith in trust in the words I then speak. When someone asks you a question, even if you have an answer, taking just a moment to think it through and then responding really brings attention to your words, but it also brings attention to you. It is this attention that unconfident men don’t seem to want to attract, so working extra hard to attract it is the same as diving into the pool headfirst rather than just dipping your toe in the water.

Even though I can quickly respond to almost any topic (sometimes to the point of interrupting, unfortunately), I find it advantageous for both reasons to take a pause — to help accent my point, and to help me learn to cope better with that attention. I don’t pause often, but I do it often enough when the conversation seems to merit a little extra thinking. That extra 1 or 2 seconds won’t be remembered, but what you say afterwards will be.

The second half of this third step to building confidence is a kicker for me, still, because it works so well. If I don’t have anything witty, wise, insightful or interesting to say, I’ll just look at the person in their eyes and smile, and wait for them to continue. If you really want to be at the peak of confidence, work on this step. Talk to anyone — bartenders, retail clerks, mail carriers, waitresses — and when the opportunity arises that you don’t have anything really great to say, don’t say anything at all. My confidence gains huge leaps and bounds when I can hold their stare with a smile and then get them to keep talking. I’m always amazed at how powerful I feel just from that action, especially given that most people I deal with are readers of mine and are aware of this action I regularly take. It also brings this odd bifurcation of emotions from the other party — it adds mystery and mystique, but it also brings comfort and trust. There is no better action for a man to do that lock eyes and smile, even if it s a small wry smile.

Discuss this article at the Be A Man forum.

Learning to talk to women of all sizes and ages is just part of building confidence — something that will help you in more than just love, but also in business, in friendships, and in dealing with people who have always pushed you around. The more real confidence you build, the stronger you’ll be in pursuing the best qualities of being a man.

The second of the 5 steps to becoming confident is working with another person who also has confidence issues. Not being secure in your confidence is nothing to be ashamed of, I’d estimate that more than 3 out of 4 men in their late teens and early twenties deal with the same issues. I’ve been able to work on my confidence when it has waned by setting a plan with a sibling, a best friend, and even an co-worker at the office. There are times in the life of every man that confidence falters, sometimes for no apparent reason. Even superstar Johnny Depp admits that he has huge self-confidence issues to this day, and he’s dating supermodel Vanessa Paradis and owns his own island in the Caribbean. If a superstar can lack confidence, you shouldn’t be saddened by your own lack of self-worth.

It shouldn’t be hard to track down a confidence-building partner in your life. They’re likely displaying the signs that you may not even know you display yourself: looking at the floor more than lookng in the eyes of the person you’re talking to. Slouching is popular, too. The inability to speak clearly, slowly and casually with others seems to be common. I also see self-deprecating humor that is joked about a little too often by men who lack self-confidence. Do you know someone in your life who shows these signs? Talk to them. Tell them you’re hoping to work with another guy on building each other’s self confidence.

For me, the steps are always pretty easy. Once you have your pact, start with building on everything you’re bad at. Agree to point out to the other person when they slip up — when they make a mistake and display their fear and shyness. One thing I’ve always done when making these pacts is to agree to both men laughing when one many points out the other man’s shortfalling. Did I look at the ground when we talked? Point it out, and we’ll both laugh at the idiocy of being unconfident around someone we know is also unconfident. Did I slur or mumble? Point it out, and let’s joke about it. Turn the fear into the comedy. There have been times when I’ve talked with someone famous or beautiful or massively wealthy and found myself laughing a bit rather than becoming unconfident. The other party was put at ease by the laughter, maybe because they, too, were a bit lacking in confidence no matter what their social strength was.

Make it a habit to spend a few hours a week with your confidence partner — learn to shake hands properly, learn to talk slowly and clearly, and learn to listen while looking each other in the eyes. By overcoming your confidence issues mutually, you can then work on involving third parties in your conversations and hangouts and test each other with the third person being unaware. Let your partner gauge your confidence in dealing with the third party, and after the gathering, give each other pointers on where you’re still falling short.

In the times when my confidence faltered, I was able to repair in within weeks. Initially I went from being unconfident to being the center of attention in a few months. Nothing is holding you back but your own fear, and being able to conquer that fear is one step you must take in order to attract the right women — not the kind who would take advantage of your weakness, shyness and fear.

Discuss this article at the Be A Man forum.