You’re beautiful.
You look great in that dress.
You’re the best.
I love you.
I can’t believe I’m with a woman like you.

No, none of those are the words I’d recommend. They’re the words that get a lot of guys in trouble in the early stages of dating, or before they’re even dating. They’re also the words you’ll hear all the love experts (especially the female ones) tell you to say. And if you ever ask a gal what she thinks of them (early in the relationship), the response is usually the same: ugh!

When I was younger I was the sap who’d say these things, especially to women I just met and was interested in dating. Those relationships always seemed to fall apart, no matter how hard I tried. And that’s the catch: the harder you try, the worse your chances are of moving forward in your relationship with that woman.

Society has changed so much in the past 20 years. In the old days, words like these were very rarely heard from the lips of men — that is why the words had value. Today, it seems that a woman can’t walk down the street without hearing it from some random stranger. The value of complimenting a woman you’ve only recently met is negative: it works against you.

Nowadays it seems that women know what is behind those phrases. Instead of hearing what you’re saying, the modern woman hears something completely different. You tell her she’s beautiful, and the modern woman hears “I want to sleep with you soon.” That’s how it is. The words work against the man.

Sometimes a modern woman will just think you’re a desperate guy, unable to say something interesting. She puts you in the pile of other boring men that she’s dated or who have asked her to dinner. This is a pile you want to avoid.

Offering the “positive” compliments also shows your cards — she knows more about how you feel than you know how she feels for you. I’m a big fan of not showing one’s cards until a commitment of some kind is made. Even then you want to make sure you’re keeping her intrigued on getting to know you even better. Why destroy the mystique by blurting out what you think of her? Isn’t it obvious that you like her just because you asked her out and you make time to see her? Your actions in dating her are the ultimate form of letting her know you like her.

Not saying these common phrases also lets you play the game a bit better than she does. If a man is dating a woman and he’s not complimenting her, her brain will operate in high gear wondering what your opinion of her is. She’ll wonder if you really do like her, and if there is a future. She’ll want to dig deeper into your head to figure you out — escalating that mystique and mystery into the upper atmosphere. If you’re a guy who was teased for years by the modern woman, this is a step you can take to turn the tease around.

So what do you say to a woman that you like? As I’ve said before, the less you say the better you’re off. Instead of offering answers before a question has been asked, wait for her to ask a question. When the woman you are dating asks you if you think she’s beautiful, don’t make an obvious answer. Something vague and enticing is the best plan — “I’m with you, aren’t I?” sounds like a jerky thing to say, but it gets those gears of hers turning. I always preferred answering with a smile and a wink — the lack of verbal response really made them crazy (in a good way).

Eventually it becomes more comfortable in not just blurting out your physical attractions to your girlfriend and to girls you are interested in dating. You’ll slip up initially, but now you’ll be able to notice the change she makes. She might smile and accept the compliment, but the girl you’ve gotten wrapped around your finger changes when she realizes that she doesn’t have to chase you. Once your mystique is gone, her desire can drop quickly. Keep her on her toes in the first few months of dating, and you’ll be much more comfortable in your manhood. Let her walk all over you and you’ll only get what you’ve always gotten — lonely Friday nights.

Discuss this article at the Be A Man discussion forum or e-mail me your questions and comments.

I’ve said it twice now — talking is one area where the woman is best left to lead and the man to promote. If we think of a man and a woman in their early dating relationship as a grill, the woman is doing the cooking and the man just makes sure the coals stay hot. We don’t do the cooking when it comes to building the permanent bonds in a relationship — she does. Thankfully, this is how it should be as most of us guys would be lost if it wasn’t for the female intuition, but therein lies the problem: when a man thinks he can convince the woman through his own means, he’ll fail. Let her convince herself.

Communications are so important in a relationship, in fact they are almost always the primary reason why a dating couple breaks up or a marriage fails. Not communicating about needs, not communicating about finances and not communicating about direction all can create silent rifts that turn into full blown war. But communication is not just through spoken words, and one area that I label communication is of utmost importance in the early stages of dating: touch. This area of communication is so important that a single innocent mistake can ruin the relationship’s future without any resolution.

The touch for the man and the woman is completely different in subconscious meaning, and it is one area that I see men fail at time and time again. I even see many women failing at making a conscious realization of how the touch differs between the two sexes. While touching can be both an erotic expression as well as a symbol of love, in the dating period touch is the absolute death in a relationship when a man does it, and it is the absolute life in a relationship when a woman does it. It sounds confusing, but this subconscious little secret is probably one of the most powerful non-actions a man has in his arsenal.

When a man touches a woman during the dating period, the touch can signify subconsciously only two things in the woman’s mind: control or desperation. Most women don’t even know they make this connection, but time and again I see it plain as day when I watch couples out in society. Even something as harmless as a man grabbing a woman’s hand when they walk has severe consequences — it drives the mystique out of the situation. Most women who have read my old book have argued about this point, but weeks later I would hear from them again when they realized I was correct. Once you try this yourself, you, too, will discover that this little secret can change your dating life forever.

When a woman is happy, attracted and incredibly mystified by a man, she will always show him very quiet signs of interest. It seems that women can’t control this almost indiscernable outpouring that displays their attraction and desire for the man. Desire does not necessarily mean sexual or physical desire, but one of these quiet signs is very physical: the touch.

When a woman is happy, she might laugh and glance her hand on the man’s elbow or shoulder or the back of his rib area. It might only last a split second. She might touch his knee or his arm. It could last a second, it could stay there. This is such a huge blinking neon sign that says “I really REALLY like you” that it just can’t be ignored. Yet most men can ignore the sign and then squash all that desire and mystique she’s built up by returning the touch. The touch by an intrigued woman has two meanings: she wants to get to know you more, and she wants to test you to see if you bow to her invite.

The two scenarios:

1. She touchs you, even in glance. You touch her back, also in glance. You lose the test. She subconsciously knows how much control she wields over you.

2. She touchs you, even in glance. You ignore the touch, maybe let out a tiny smile. Don’t look at her hand, don’t move away from it, don’t respond to it if it stays there, and don’t return anything. She’s wondering now — “does he like me?” or “am I not attracting him like he is attracting me?”

It sounds crazy, I know. I sounds too mysterious and too easy to be true. It is true, gentlemen, and it is so powerful that you have to use it in measuring up if the girl you are dating is worth your future time.

One other thing a woman’s touch can mean, though, is “I trust you.” This can come from a girl who is your friend or your relative, and you should understand that this touch should not necessarily be considered different in this case. Because you won’t date a friend or a relative (I hope), I’ll address other signs a woman shows in communications that confirms if the touch was out of desire to know more, or just a symbol of trust. In either case, your best bet is to ignore the touch as if it never happened, but make note of it in the back of your mind that she might have turned on a neon sign saying “You’re awesome.”

One thing to note, though, on the issue of the touch: if she doesn’t touch you, she’s turned off the neon sign. In my experience, if you don’t acquire one of these magic ego-boosting glancing touches in the first 2 dates, you’d better start a-packing. I’ve seen (and confirmed) that the women who don’t touch a man have one (or more) of the following issues:

1. She’s closed off — abuse or depression
2. She’s not interested or mystified by you — why bother chasing?
3. She’s uncertain of herself — you don’t want a woman without a little confidence
4. She’s afraid to show emotions — drama ahead, captain!

For me, the touch is the ultimate first sign to continue. If you bought a new car and the engine died on the second drive but started right up, would you trust it to work in the future? A relationship is like this — that casual touch is the equivalent of the engine starting and not stopping. If you sold someone something you owned and they didn’t pay you, would you follow through with the sale? The touch is like a payment for the mystery you’ve sold her up to now. Don’t follow through with this sale if she doesn’t offer that payment — the magical, mystical and relationship creating/killing touch.

Discuss this article at the Be A Man forum.