Zion, IL
By A.B. Dada
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I’ll get e-mails regularly by women who think that my views on being a man in dating are deceptive. They’re right.

I advocate many different deceptive techniques to enhance your chance of meeting a great gal in an ocean of choices for both sexes. Some of those techniques:

1. Fake confidence, which eventually builds into real confidence,
2. Fake interest level by showing less desire than you really have,
3. Be deceptively quiet in responding to her infrequent questions,
4. Avoid casual physical contact even though you are interested in doing so.

Yes, I do advocate some deceptive techniques — and I know from hundreds of men I’ve helped along that it works. What is irritating is that some women harbor anger towards these techniques, when it is the same women who are even more deceptive when dealing with men.

How many women wear make-up over men? There is nothing more shocking than seeing a gal sans makeup and hairdressing that overcompensates for any physical flaws by overdoing it in both departments. Women have entire markets dedicated to deception: bras that make them look more busty, dresses cut to accentuate certain details that their bodies don’t actually portray naturally, wigs and fake eyelashes, high heels, shoulder pads, accessories to draw attention (earrings, necklaces), clothing cuts that show more flesh than men would show.

Imagine a man who wears eyeliner, concealer, opens their shirt up completely, and wears cuts of clothing to accentuate a larger chest and smaller waistline. Other than rock stars, it just doesn’t happen.

While I do admit that deception is common in dating, and even part of my guide for insecure or low self-esteemed men, I don’t advocate lying or deceiving in areas where it counts. Instead of trying to find clothes that make you look slimmer or taller, I do believe that a man concerned with physical appearance can perform basic exercises and dietary changes to fix many problems. The great thing about most women is that they’re not as concerned with appearance, financial capability, and sexual prowess as the media makes them seem to be. It would take a calculator for me to count how many overweight, underheight, low income men I know who have wonderful girlfriends or wives. All it takes is being able to decipher the code of deception than is more common with women then men.

[This article was included in my print newsletter, and is reprinted here with a word that some considered vulgar).

I remember my first encounter when a relationship blew up; I was hanging out with a guy who was dating what I considered a fantastic gal (beautiful, smart, and usually funny), and she happened to be there. I must have been 17, and we were at a local pub where I was admittedly underage. He’s a Brit, she’s American.

The girl was obnoxiously drunk, but my friend had maybe two pints in him over 4 hours. We were at the pub to watch some professional game of some kind, and him and I happened to work in the same consulting industry, so he invited me to the game. She tagged along because she was insecure of him being at a bar with the boys for some reason.

After 4 hours, she wanted to leave. Before we all met, he told me that she’s the type that wants to be dragged along, and if it isn’t what she wants to do, she’ll throw a hissy-fit about it. I appreciated the guy’s openness about his girlfriend, because most of his guy friends did think of her as perfection from afar (and that’s a subject that I will definitely dive into later). I still appreciate openness with other guys who are open about the downsides of their relationships (not just with women). I’m one of them now, and I have no fear to let others know when I’m not happy and why. Reputation comes from that sort of honesty.

So after watching her pull on his hand, then his arm, and finally on his shoulder to leave, the Brit said something that I can never forget and that stuck this day into my head for the rest of my life: “Don’t piss on my good time.” The next words were either “Take a cab,” or “I’ll have the bar get you a cab.” That was it. I was floored. I grew up in a fairly “everyone is equal” family, and probably 50% of my friends till then were women. I was pretty angry that he didn’t want to leave, and I felt that he had slighted her and was in the wrong.

Years later, I’ve changed my tune completely. Relationships of mine that were stable and fun had a priority I didn’t necessarily notice: a woman’s respect for my time with friends, or alone, or doing something I like to do. The girlfriends I had that really made me frustrated, depressed, angry and distant were the ones who did exactly what my Brit friend told his girlfriend not to do: they ruined my good time.

Women’s insecurities are very hard for men to deal with. They just don’t know how to approach an insecure woman that has other great traits, but is so insecure that he won’t let him be him, won’t let him be away from her for an evening (or a weekend, let alone a week). It’s a terrible situation to be in, and if the signs are there in the beginning of a relationship, I generally tell the guy (when asked) to hit the road. You can patch a punctured tire, you can’t fix a shredded one.

Of all the men in my life (casual acquaintances, close friends, family, and those who e-mail me for help), the ones who are unhappy in their relationships can be pegged almost 50% of the time to being with a woman who won’t let them have a good time. I’ve spoken to unhappy men, generally a new one every few days, and I always ask them the same first question: “When was the last time you had a good time?” If the answer is “I can’t remember,” then I ask them: “When was the last time you went out without your girlfriend/wife?” If I ask the second question, the second answer is always “I can’t remember.” Bingo.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t go out regularly with the woman you love. What I am saying is that you have to ascertain her comfort level if you do try to go out alone, with friends, or take a trip. I’ve stopped counting how many men have ignored this advice, and have suffered the consequences. I’ve also stopped counting how many men HAVE taken this advice and have thanked me less than a week after ditching the relationship.

Signs that she won’t let you have a good time:

1. Jealousy when you want to go somewhere without her. This can start with “Who’s going to be there?” (which is fine) but continues with “Who else?” This is a loaded question, and there is no good answer. One answer is enough, even if it is “Just the guys.” If a question is posed as “Are any girls going to be there?” she’s the type that’s going to ruin any fun you may have in the future.

2. Outrage that she’s not invited. I usually recommend bringing a new girlfriend to guy’s events at least once, to see how she reacts. I’ve met some amazing gals who do great when tagging along with their boyfriends. Focus on the word some. I’ve also met a great many who should never be invited again — they’re just not happy being there, so they want to steal the focus to them. If you’ve tried to integrate your lady into a guy’s night (or weekend or trip), and she hated it but still wants to come, you’re going to have to deal with that outrage forever. There are going to be things you want to do in the future that she will not want to do, but she won’t let you do them.

3. She won’t leave you alone when you do go out. You know the guy: his cell phone is beeping every 10 minutes, and it’s his girlfriend. This isn’t jealousy, this is pure insecurity, and it is a sign that the relationship won’t work out. I’ve never been wrong about this one. My advice: if you get 2 text messages from your gal in 30 minutes, turn the phone off. There won’t be any emergencies, problems, or needs while you’re out. The relationship at that point is probably ruined, but it’s going there anyway.

4. She wants every detail about when you did go out. “Who did you talk to?” “Who else?” “What did you eat/drink/watch?” It’s great to have a gal who is interested in your life, so please don’t think I am against sharing. The difference between the great inquisitive girl and the horrible inquisitive freak is the times they inquire to your life. Does she ONLY inquire about your “day” when you’re out doing something fun? If she never asks about work, the time you spend with your family, the work you did on the lawn or cleaning the garage, then she’s the freak. I personally love an inquisitive woman who just wants to know how my day has gone; I don’t want the rubber hoses coming out only on the occasion that I happened to be out doing something fun.

5. She tries to come up with a better plan. You want to go to watch a game with friends, or you were invited to an office party, but she finds something else to do: a concert, a movie, dinner, whatever. Women who can’t understand that a man can have fun without them often times come up with things to do that can be fun for both of them. I’ve had a standard answer to this one: “That sounds like fun, why don’t you do that while I’m out?” If she can’t handle that idea, run. If she sits on the couch all night, staring at the clock, run.

6. She’s obsessed with your exact schedule. “When exactly will you be home?” “Where exactly are you going?” This is a pre-event leading to disaster. It’s fine to be a bit obsessive-compulsive about details, but not if they’re only obsessed with the time you’re away from them.

Most of the women who were on receiving ends of my advice to men regarding having a good time have disagreed. But I’ve met some of those dumped girls again, and they’re reigning the same terror on their current men, usually husbands. It’s a terrible life to live, a marriage where you’re not free to have fun. I truly believe that the day comes early where the signs are visible that your gal is either going to be great, or terrible. Watch those signs, and make the proper changes to your relationship if you fear a future that is only about her, and never about you.