At our Be A Man discussion forum, a regular reader made a comment that caused me to have to go back and edit about 50 future articles — a reader directly caused me to realize a mistake I had to change in my own head regarding the way I live my life. It doesn’t change me one bit, and it doesn’t even change those who have followed my advice for the past decade, but it does change how I “sell” the reader on the ideals I put forward. The mistake I made is not explaining who I am writing to. I am not writing about wives or your own business or dealing with permanent structures in your life — I am writing about how to take a temporary situation (a girlfriend, a job, etc), filter out the losers, and find the one you want to make permanent (the wife, your business, etc).

LexNaturalis made the comment I don’t do it because Hollywood says that it’s the thing to do, nor because society thinks it’s the thing to do, but because I personally believe it’s the right thing to do which was a huge clue to reminding me who I am writing about. Lex is in a great marriage, so part of the permanent situation is to now make sure that the needs of both parties are met — yours and hers (or in the case of your own business, your needs as well as what the business needs). Yet before the relationship is made permanent, it is very important to filter out the junk and be left with the truth of what the other person wants. My previous article stands strong when one realizes I was writing about girlfriends (and bosses), not wives and self-employment. Thanks, Lex, for the insight and the correction — it took me 3 weeks to go through everything and reinvestigate my premises.

Looking back at the previous Be A Man article, it is also obvious to me that this article can be targeted at some married men (maybe even most). If your marriage is shaky, it might be due to the fact that it is not a permanent relationship. You may have entered a relationship without realizing the truth behind your partner or yourself, and I will definitely have a long series on fixing marriages by following the advice I give to men who are dating (or are having problems dating). A marriage can be fixed, but it requires that a Man become a hawk-man rather than a chicken-man, which is where many married men find themselves.

Now that I’ve fixed my future topics, I will start posting again on a very regular basis. Thanks again to my readers who are also co-authors in many of my posts.

Another secret I’ve learned about women that has helped me in every other relationship in my life (including business ones) is the idea of equality within the relationship. I don’t mean fairness or balance or thinking that a man and a woman can do everything equally — I don’t believe this to be the case. Each person is an individual, and each person in any relationship needs to profit from the interactions. When I say treat a woman like an equal, I mean don’t treat her like society says you’re supposed to.

Nothing is wrong with being a gentleman or at least acting like one. The problem a man faces though is when he doesn’t understand what a gentleman is and instead relies on the myths and images that Hollywood and the forceful women have created. I think most men believe in these myths as fact, and doesn’t realize that following through with certain actions has a terrible effect on the relationship — one that can actually destroy it quickly with no hope of reconciliation.

The myths of being a gentleman are as follows:

1. Open doors for the lady, adjust her chair.

2. Hold a lady’s arm as you walk.

3. Buy a gift for the lady before a date.

4. Tell a lady she’s beautiful.

5. Express your devotion or love for a lady often.

6. Believe that a woman is your equal is every way.

7. Ignore your desires and only try to provide for her needs.

This is the basic model for a man today as dictated by Hollywood and even dictated by women. If you go to any dating websites, you’ll see woman after woman who displays her history in saying “Where have all the good men gone?” or “Kissed too many frogs.” Many of them seem to desire some or all of the top 7, without realizing that all men in their past have tried to follow these myths and failed. The man can not succeed at a relationship — any relationship — by ignoring his needs, desires and his basic human nature.

I believe the successful Man flips most of these myths upside down:

1. Let a woman handle her own doors and chairs, unless she is truly treating you like you want to be treated, first.

2. Never hold a lady’s arm ever — if she wants to hold your arm she will grab it. This is a significant sign of desire and pride in being with the man. When we help a customer in business who is in trouble, we use the term “holding their hand” yet we don’t mean that we hold every customer’s hand — we wait for them to grab our hand in need by hiring us. The same is true with women.

3. Never buy a gift for a lady except in very rare occasions. You never want to see desperate or seem like you’re buying her love, if you set a bad precedent, you’ll have trouble backing out of it later. A woman should accept your needs if you are fulfilling hers, and a woman’s need is never material until a man starts to make a habit out of it.

4. Never tell a lady she is beautiful except in the rare situations where she really is. A woman gets these comments from everyone, all the time, and it is a very destructive thing to do. Would you tell a business you’re trying to get hired with that their business is beautiful and that you very much admire them? This destroys your hand at the table where you’re trying to get them to desire your skills. Women are no different. The only time I’ve told my woman that she’s beautiful is when she’s offered attraction towards me first — when she admires my look or my clothing or something. Only then do I return the compliment, and always less so than she offered towards me. A man is not with a woman who he finds unattractive, so why spoil the relationship by overdoing it? Make the compliments count! She will try harder to get them.
5. “I love you” is the worst thing a man can say to a woman. Do you say it to a customer who paid you? You get paid because you performed your responsibilities. In a relationship with a woman, you do not need to make compliments and you definitely do not need to exclaim your love. A man, though, does want to hear it from a woman as a woman is the emotional foundation of a relationship. I firmly believe a man should only say those 3 words when a woman has said it more. You prove your love by proving your devotion to her by being the man she secretly desires. This increases a woman’s love for a man — by being the mysterious and solid man that a woman needs. The proper response to an “I love you” from a woman is to re-exclaim your devotion by saying back in response “and that is why I do what I do” or something to that effect. I will write an article on the 50 ways to reply to “I love you” without the same useless words. A man never needs to say it except when he really means it in a way larger than the words you normally use. I know men who say it 50 times a week to a woman but may not mean it.

6. Treating a woman as an equal is a problem — you’re both superior in some ways. Accept the differences and don’t give in on your needs. If you have to modify your needs, you’re in the wrong relationship with someone who doesn’t care about you at all. Take care of your needs and you’ll take care of hers by being the man she never knew she needed. Would you treat a customer as an equal? They hire you because you do something better than they can, and they pay you because they have more money than you had. This is taking care of each party’s needs by allowing both sides to profit from the situation.

7. This is the most important fact in a relationship — take care of your needs first. In a business, you want to focus on what you’re getting out of the situation. If you’re looking for good pay, make sure you earn your worth. If you’re looking for experience, learn more than you are supposed to. If you’re looking to climb the ladder, make sure you make friends on the way up so that you have support for each position you attain. A woman always takes care of her needs, but if a man gives in and focuses on fulfilling her obvious needs, she’ll back off and not do them herself. A woman’s number one need that they don’t always realize it is to have a good man with her. A good man knows his needs and works to fulfill them profitably while allowing the woman to do the same. This is the same in business — both parties have needs, and neither party should enter a business relationship if one party isn’t meeting their own needs.

A lot of this sounds against all of society’s beliefs — which is as it should be. In the coming week I’ll dig deeper into some of the harder myths to break.

Discuss this article here.