Be A Man

A few weeks back I was out with a friend of my brother’s, and he happened to be hitting on a cute gal he just met in a bar. I casually listened in to his conversation with her and made a bet with myself that he would end up without her number. I was right. He broke almost every rule that I set forth, but he also broke a rule I haven’t really covered before — don’t lie.

You’ll hear it from every “dating expert,” but few have good reason behind it. I’ll get past the first and most obvious reason why you shouldn’t lie to a woman:

1. Don’t lie because you’ll get caught. That’s pretty obvious. Memory is a finicky thing, and lying is never worth it — as you’ll read later on. But even knowing this obvious fact isn’t enough to prevent most of us from pushing the truth a little. What is amazing is that lying actually breaks some of my more esoteric rules I’ve mentioned before.

2. Don’t lie because you’re giving away too much information. That is a rule, if you recall — shut up. Talking too much and providing too much information about yourself too quickly is a sure way to drop her desire for you into the freezing temperatures. Whether you’re telling her the truth about your job or pretending you’re bigger than you are, it doesn’t matter — you’re talking too much. Yap, yap, yap sends you home without the phone number, maybe even without the name. Just meet the gal for the first time? Say hi, get her name, listen to her yap for 5 minutes. Get her number, move on! It isn’t that difficult, fellows.

3. Don’t lie because she’s not interested anyway. What do most guys lie about? Their jobs, their cars, their income, their previous dating career, their hobbies, their goals, their living situations. She’s not interested. You might think she is interested because you yourself would be interested in those facts, but you’re a guy. You might hear some of your gal pals brag about how much money their boyfriends make or how nice of a car they drive, but that isn’t what she really is interested in — she’s just bragging to friends. You could live at home with your parents, work at Wal*Mart as a janitor, drive an 87 Buick with rust, and she’d still brag to her friends by saying “He is so focused on the future and having a family, he gives up so much now so he’ll have more to share later!” That’s right, guys, she doesn’t care what you have, so why bother lying about it?

4. Don’t lie because she isn’t worth it. Lying to others can cause guilt in your heart and your mind. For those with religion or faith here, lying is considered a “sin” or an “evil” or whatever your particular religion calls it. For those without that faith, lying can make you feel bad — especially if your lies don’t attract her attention (and they generally won’t, unless she’s a golddigger). Whether or not you get her name and number, the lies you tell to get there will haunt you on some level. It isn’t worth the risk.

And my newest favorite reason not to lie is…

5. Don’t lie, she prefers average guys to the high-rollers. I didn’t believe it at first, but for years I’ve know that average guys are happier than guys who have way more. The guy with the great looks, the American Express Black Centurion Card, the $100,000 Lexus, the condo in Manhattan? They’re not that happy. Sure, they have so much wonderful stuff, but few of them have wonderful gals. Don’t believe me? The BBC concurs in an article titled “Why women fall for ‘Mr Average’.” For a while, I couldn’t figure out why my average friends had better luck than my “blessed” friends, until it struck me — these average guys will be better fathers and husbands for their wives. Sure, the golddigger girl wants the guy with everything, but why would you want her? Have you seen the mess that is left behind when a friend of yours dated (or married) a high-drama wants-everything girl? You know already that Little Miss Average would be Best Amazing Wife moreso than Hot Tall Skinny Blonde would, so doesn’t it makes sense that Little Mister Average would be a great husband? Of course, you don’t make those connections by default — women do.

So there you have it — 5 Reasons Not to Lie to a Woman. It isn’t that hard, once you know the rules and realize that lying actually violates some of the other rules, and it is a rule itself.

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Back in January, I received the following e-mail from a reader who wanted to delve deeper in gaining the eye of a woman they’re interested in — especially one they meet when they’re out in public, but not a particular social event.

I like your articles. All of them have been very clear and understandable, you are a talented writer. The one thing that I always seem to have a problem with is initiation of a conversation. How do you talk to a woman that you find attractive, without seeming like a creep? What needs to be done to have that woman interested in you in your first encounter? What can I say to initiate a conversation, that isn’t too personal, but will also hopefully lead into a longer more diverse conversation with her?

I find that once I am in the conversation with a girl, I always make small vague comments on what she is saying. I listen intently, and always look in her eyes and smile when appropriate. These things you have written about before, which are all great advice. I just don’t have a problem with that aspect of meeting people. Basically what I’m trying to ask is, if you were to walk into a room and find a woman that you are attracted too, how would you go about talking to her with no previous interaction?

These are all good questions, and it sounds like you have some of the basic conversational interaction ideas down, but I can see where the trouble is — how do you get INTO the conversation?

You respond to her comments with small vague comments — this is good. You should never be in a rush to give away your life’s story — you should always remain vague so that she retains an interest level in getting to know you better.

You listen intently — that is one trait almost every modern woman desires. She wants to be listened to, not talked to.

You always look into her eyes — this is a huge turn-on for a modern woman, and it displays the confidence that she’s looking for.

You smile when appropriate — this is just as important as eye contact. Remember, you can never physically touch a woman or invade her personal space, but there are things you can do to connect with her more intimately. Eye contact, smiles, nods are all good and non-physical.

So how do you get to the conversation? This is the question that separates the men from the boys — the hawk-man from the chicken-man, as I call it. My first virtue of the hawk-man is determination. A determined man can not exist without that confidence in pursuing what they want, in this case, conversation with a woman.

What is preventing you from talking to a cute girl at the supermarket or the big box store? Are you afraid you’ll come off creepy? If that is the case, you have to look at yourself — what is it that you think she’d find creepy? Do you have good breath, dress appropriately for your age, scrub yourself clean at least once a day and aren’t a leper? If so, there is nothing creepy about you — being fearful of being a creep is just an impediment to you being determined to talk to said cute girl. For some guys, they’re afraid they’re not attractive enough. Other men feel like they’re too short or too fat or too bald to talk to a girl. Some guys think they have nothing to say (which is actually a virtue!). Whatever the case, you are just showing yourself that you lack confidence in yourself.

I’m short. I don’t have the most symmetrical or attractive face. I have crooked teeth. I talk nasally. Yet I am confident enough to break the ice with a simple “Hi.” It really is the best “line” a guy can say to a woman they meet.

Here’s the secret: not every woman will be attracted enough to you to say anything more than “hi” back to you. So what? Are you attracted to every woman you walk past or see in a given day? I should hope not. But if a random woman you weren’t attracted to came up to say “hi” to you, how would you react? You’d say something pleasant, and find an excuse to move on, right? Women will react the same way.

The fact that you had the courage, confidence and determination to walk up and break the ice can be a huge turn-on for the modern woman, even if she noticed you from afar and wasn’t initially attracted to your appearance. In my dating “career” I can’t begin to count the number of women who admitted to me that they weren’t attracted to my appearance until they spoke with me for a little while. That’s the catch — men and women tend to judge the opposite sex initially by appearance, but that isn’t what hooks either one. There’s something about a determined man that the modern woman just can’t get enough of — and it is such a powerful love potion that they’ll even look past your unattractive face or fat belly or bald head. Seriously.

When you see that cute girl next time you’re out, break the ice. Say hello. Look her in the eyes when you do so. Don’t feel unconfident. I used to like to say to myself “Ok, I’m going to say hello, and I’m going to smile. I’m going to pitch the ball and see if she swings at it. If she doesn’t, there are a million batters waiting to be pitched to.” And there are — but if you don’t pitch to this one, you’ll regret not pitching at all. The pain of being denied is easy to get over, in fact I recommend practicing it on as many women as you can — even the ones you’re not attracted to. You’re just looking for her name and phone number, not her life’s story.

Get out there. Break the ice. Say hello. Get that number!

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